Most people that read my blog understand what I am saying. Some people think I am right off my rocker. Others seem to think I am a downright bitch with crazy ideas on how relationships, family, and the world work. It's okay not to agree with me. It's okay to have a different opinion. As long as you are talking about the subject and reflecting within you're own walls, that is all that matters.
Which brings us from my last post to Generation 2000K. This is a branded name of my own making, yet it best describes how I feel about my generation and the generation directly before mine. Unfortunately the generation under me is looking like Generation Doomed.
So what is Generation 2000K?
G2K as I call it, is the mass of supposedly in love people in my generation that refuse to actually work on a marriage, but would rather spend the minimal $2000 to get divorced. When did this become acceptable? I hear my generation say to their grandparents that have been married for 50 years or over "Wow. 50 Years! How do you do it?"
Are you kidding me?
I can tell you how they do it. They WORK at it. Yes Ladies and Gents, you heard that right. They WORK at it. Marriage is a full time job. You took the position when you proposed, ran around with your girlfriends for the beautiful White Dress, planned the big event, and said in front of friends and family...
"In good times, and IN BAD"
When did it become okay to just run to the first lawyer and file for the "Big D" just because you had a fight, or because he didn't agree with you, or because she talked to some other guy at the office?
When the hell did we become the type of society to teach our children that people are disposable no matter how much you claim to love them?
Why do you have to get married a year after you get engaged? Why do you get engaged a year after you start dating? There is a reason that most marriages fail in the first 5 years. It's because you don't KNOW each other. You didn't take that time, you just got the ring, got the dress, said I do, bought a house and thought it would all come together and work itself out. HA! How is that goin for ya?
So what do I mean by work? Let me give you an example.
My husband is a very quiet man. Obviously, I am not exactly quiet. Obnoxious is more like it. When we would sit and talk, I would do most of the talking, trying to get words out of him was like pulling teeth. I even remember at one point in the middle of a conversation, I got up and walked to the wall and began speaking to it. Throwing it in his face that it was the same thing as talking to him. Insert instant fight. Yet throughout this fight I listened to him. His explanation was this... "What I want to say gets all mixed up in my head and I can't get it out right, or it sounds wrong, or mean, so I just don't say anything"
Hmmm...okay...
G2K reaction to this? We are not compatiable and you will never get over this. I can't take someone that doesn't talk to me and tell me what's going on. We should maybe go our separate ways since we are obviously NOT on the same page.
My "WORK" at it reaction? Things are getting scrambled in his head and he needs more than a split second to figure out how he feels and what he wants to say. Alternative? Let's set up a "Diary" on the computer, so he can sit down for an hour if he needs to and just type out what he thinks and how he feels. He can tell me he has written in it and I will then read it and write back. I discussed this with him and he agreed that it would be easier. So I checked my girlie "OMG Talk to me NOW" instincts and made the diary on the computer. He would write in it and leave me a note to let me know. I would write back in the diary and leave him a note that I did so. We conversed like this for 2 YEARS! Yes 2 Years!
What did I learn from it? I learned that he needed time to process things, he sometimes said things that sounded mean, but it's because they didn't come out in conversation the same way that they worked in his head. I learned patience, relationship work ethic, love. I learned about my husband. His deep down thoughts and feelings. It's much easier to write and admit these things, then it is to say to someone's face. Yet once you have told them in either form, it gets easier as time goes on, until every wall is broken down and you have truly let that person in. That takes time. A lot more time that a 6 month engagement and a half a second wedding. Just because you had the big day with the dress, the bachelor party, the celebration party after doesn't make you a Wife or Husband. The WORK you put into it does.
So the next time you have a little tiff with your significant other, or don't see eye to eye on something, or don't like something they said or did, have a conversation. Communicate it. Don't become a G2K. Be better than that. Rise above the bullshit and work at something that has the possibility of being amazing.
You wouldn't quit your job because your boss said something you didn't like right? So why quit your marriage for the exact same thing?
Side Note Recommendations
I am not really a "Religious" person per say, but I highly recommend the movie "Fireproof" with Kirk Cameron. I think every couple should watch it. If you are not a religious person, then still watch it, just don't get freaked out by the biblical connotations. You can watch the movie online here FireProof
Wednesday, 29 January 2014
Tuesday, 28 January 2014
Why my kids don't come first (yeah yeah..I'm SUCH a bad parent)
Let me start by saying I love my kids. Since most (not all) women out there read the topic of my post and heard that I hate my kids, instead of actually reading the title. My kids are amazing and I love them to pieces. But my kids are not my world.
Let me explain.
Let me set the picture for you. I am sitting at a Christmas concert that my youngest child is in. I happen to sit close to a couple that I know from high school that have 3 small kids. While I sit there quietly, I notice the wife, and the body language of the husband. She is trying to undress their daughter (maybe 3 years old) and get the little boy (maybe 5 years old) situated to watch the concert. Her husband picks up the boy and starts to seat him when she turns around to him.
"Don't bother sitting him down yet, he needs to get his jacket off so he isn't fussing with it the whole time"
The husband stops.
Unzips the child jacket, and proceeds to get him crackers from a bag they have with them. Again the wife turns to him, this time with a scowl on her face.
"You shouldn't have taken his jacket off until I got his sweater. It's cool in here and he won't sit still then. Don't give him the crackers either. He will ask for them later and by then they will be gone."
I watch the husband put the jacket back on the boy, and sit down in the chair beside him. Chaos ensues for the next ten minutes, while the wife is getting the younger child set up with more things around her than an elephant at the circus. She proceeds to fuss with the boy, while telling her husband to do this and that, grab this and that, why didn't you do this and that.
As I am sitting watching this go on, two things come to mind. First, the husband looks like a closed book. He is sitting and not looking at his wife at all, or his kids. He has completely shut down from the situation. Second, if this bitch doesn't shut up soon I can't guarantee I am not going to say something. No wonder the guy shut down.
This is a simple example of how I see women with children shut out their husbands on a constant basis. It's bedtime for the kids, but the wife goes and lies down with them for hours on end because the won't stay in their beds, and it's just easier. Easier for who? When did you kids start running your life? They are changed, fed, clean, warm, read a bedtime story, then time for bed. END OF STORY. In the bed you go, lights out, and stay there. For those parents that have already got into the habit, it's going to take a few nights to break it. A few nights of fighting with them to stay in bed. But you cannot back down. They cannot win. Why? Because the prize they are winning is your marriage. Yeah I said it.
When did it become okay as a society to NOT spend time with your spouse, but then sit and cry and complain to your girlfriends when you find out he is sleeping around? Well shit, did you really expect him to wait until you noticed when he was breathing? He would be waiting twenty years, and by then your kids are moving out, he is all the is left, you have empty nesting syndrome and you don't even know who you are married to anymore. Why? Because while you were busy nurturing your kids, you neglected to nurture WHERE THEY CAME FROM!
Women are great at complaining that their significant other doesn't do certain things around the house, or help with supper etc. And I am by far not saying that every man around isn't a jerk when it comes to treating a woman. But start to be real with yourself. You don't even notice the little things he does do anymore, nor do you appreciate it. Just because he isn't running around calling you drop dead gorgeous every second of the day doesn't mean he isn't showing you in different ways. You have just become blind to it.
Here are my top 5 rules I think every woman (and man for that matter) should start following...
1) Talk to each other with respect
A) Women talk to your husband like a man, instead of like one of the kids
B) Men don't get so defensive right away thinking that what you say is going to get shot down and tossed aside like it doesn't matter.
2) Get an Egg Timer. Yeah an Egg Timer. This is what we used for our kids. If they are small turn it on for 5 minutes and tell them they have to amuse themselves in a proper manner with toys, tv, what have you while you have quiet time with your spouse. The next night move it up to 10 minutes. By the time our daughter was 4 we had a half hour to ourselves and she knew not to interrupt unless it was an emergency.
3) One good 10-15 second kiss a day.
4) Date night. Once per month, no excuses. It gives you something to look forward to and plan for.
5) Open Communication. ***IMPORTANT*** Take the time to have full conversations, not short ones that end up with interruptions ten times. I always asked my husband on a constant basis "What's wrong?" which his response would be the usual "Nothing". I told him once that it was beyond irritating because I couldn't tell if he was mad at something, upset, or really was just a simple "Fine". So we developed the "Promise?" clause.
The "Promise" clause works in such a way that when I ask him what's wrong and he says "Nothing", when I respond with "Promise" he must tell me the truth. If he says "No" then something is wrong, we are just at a place that it cannot be discussed, or he needs time to think and we will discuss it later. That doesn't mean I harass and nag the shit out of him until he tells me what the problem is. It means I need to give him his space to sort out his feelings and what is bothering him, and wait until he comes to me with it. Communication is by far the most important thing you can have in any relationship.
If you don't have that communication, you might as well find a lawyer and start packing your stuff now.
This is the fundamental problem with our society today. And why (I believe) there is such a high divorce rate. Nobody is communicating. Nobody is paying attention to their spouse. Those with college aged children should be living the high life, empty nesting and spending time together. Instead they are getting divorced and going the separate ways because the women no longer have kids to fuss over, and the men are done playing second fiddle. Those with younger children, are fighting each other tooth and nail, finding sites on the internet where they can have an affair, and are basically a mess because they were not given the right tools and never saw what a good relationship looked like to begin with.
After all what is the sense of having a husband, a relationship and putting together a whole life if you were not going to nurture every part of it? A marriage/relationship needs the same amount of time as the little people running around it.
I am not asking you to agree with my position. And I am not saying every woman is like this. I am not saying every man is perfect either. All I ask is that you get involved in the conversation. Challenge me if you need to. Bitch about me if you want to, have at it!
But for all intensive purposes PLEASE think about some things and start looking at the bigger picture on how your life revolves around your kids, your work, your home, instead of paying attention to the person you brought into your life to share it with.
End of Rant
Let me explain.
Let me set the picture for you. I am sitting at a Christmas concert that my youngest child is in. I happen to sit close to a couple that I know from high school that have 3 small kids. While I sit there quietly, I notice the wife, and the body language of the husband. She is trying to undress their daughter (maybe 3 years old) and get the little boy (maybe 5 years old) situated to watch the concert. Her husband picks up the boy and starts to seat him when she turns around to him.
"Don't bother sitting him down yet, he needs to get his jacket off so he isn't fussing with it the whole time"
The husband stops.
Unzips the child jacket, and proceeds to get him crackers from a bag they have with them. Again the wife turns to him, this time with a scowl on her face.
"You shouldn't have taken his jacket off until I got his sweater. It's cool in here and he won't sit still then. Don't give him the crackers either. He will ask for them later and by then they will be gone."
I watch the husband put the jacket back on the boy, and sit down in the chair beside him. Chaos ensues for the next ten minutes, while the wife is getting the younger child set up with more things around her than an elephant at the circus. She proceeds to fuss with the boy, while telling her husband to do this and that, grab this and that, why didn't you do this and that.
As I am sitting watching this go on, two things come to mind. First, the husband looks like a closed book. He is sitting and not looking at his wife at all, or his kids. He has completely shut down from the situation. Second, if this bitch doesn't shut up soon I can't guarantee I am not going to say something. No wonder the guy shut down.
This is a simple example of how I see women with children shut out their husbands on a constant basis. It's bedtime for the kids, but the wife goes and lies down with them for hours on end because the won't stay in their beds, and it's just easier. Easier for who? When did you kids start running your life? They are changed, fed, clean, warm, read a bedtime story, then time for bed. END OF STORY. In the bed you go, lights out, and stay there. For those parents that have already got into the habit, it's going to take a few nights to break it. A few nights of fighting with them to stay in bed. But you cannot back down. They cannot win. Why? Because the prize they are winning is your marriage. Yeah I said it.
When did it become okay as a society to NOT spend time with your spouse, but then sit and cry and complain to your girlfriends when you find out he is sleeping around? Well shit, did you really expect him to wait until you noticed when he was breathing? He would be waiting twenty years, and by then your kids are moving out, he is all the is left, you have empty nesting syndrome and you don't even know who you are married to anymore. Why? Because while you were busy nurturing your kids, you neglected to nurture WHERE THEY CAME FROM!
Women are great at complaining that their significant other doesn't do certain things around the house, or help with supper etc. And I am by far not saying that every man around isn't a jerk when it comes to treating a woman. But start to be real with yourself. You don't even notice the little things he does do anymore, nor do you appreciate it. Just because he isn't running around calling you drop dead gorgeous every second of the day doesn't mean he isn't showing you in different ways. You have just become blind to it.
Here are my top 5 rules I think every woman (and man for that matter) should start following...
1) Talk to each other with respect
A) Women talk to your husband like a man, instead of like one of the kids
B) Men don't get so defensive right away thinking that what you say is going to get shot down and tossed aside like it doesn't matter.
2) Get an Egg Timer. Yeah an Egg Timer. This is what we used for our kids. If they are small turn it on for 5 minutes and tell them they have to amuse themselves in a proper manner with toys, tv, what have you while you have quiet time with your spouse. The next night move it up to 10 minutes. By the time our daughter was 4 we had a half hour to ourselves and she knew not to interrupt unless it was an emergency.
3) One good 10-15 second kiss a day.
4) Date night. Once per month, no excuses. It gives you something to look forward to and plan for.
5) Open Communication. ***IMPORTANT*** Take the time to have full conversations, not short ones that end up with interruptions ten times. I always asked my husband on a constant basis "What's wrong?" which his response would be the usual "Nothing". I told him once that it was beyond irritating because I couldn't tell if he was mad at something, upset, or really was just a simple "Fine". So we developed the "Promise?" clause.
The "Promise" clause works in such a way that when I ask him what's wrong and he says "Nothing", when I respond with "Promise" he must tell me the truth. If he says "No" then something is wrong, we are just at a place that it cannot be discussed, or he needs time to think and we will discuss it later. That doesn't mean I harass and nag the shit out of him until he tells me what the problem is. It means I need to give him his space to sort out his feelings and what is bothering him, and wait until he comes to me with it. Communication is by far the most important thing you can have in any relationship.
If you don't have that communication, you might as well find a lawyer and start packing your stuff now.
This is the fundamental problem with our society today. And why (I believe) there is such a high divorce rate. Nobody is communicating. Nobody is paying attention to their spouse. Those with college aged children should be living the high life, empty nesting and spending time together. Instead they are getting divorced and going the separate ways because the women no longer have kids to fuss over, and the men are done playing second fiddle. Those with younger children, are fighting each other tooth and nail, finding sites on the internet where they can have an affair, and are basically a mess because they were not given the right tools and never saw what a good relationship looked like to begin with.
After all what is the sense of having a husband, a relationship and putting together a whole life if you were not going to nurture every part of it? A marriage/relationship needs the same amount of time as the little people running around it.
I am not asking you to agree with my position. And I am not saying every woman is like this. I am not saying every man is perfect either. All I ask is that you get involved in the conversation. Challenge me if you need to. Bitch about me if you want to, have at it!
But for all intensive purposes PLEASE think about some things and start looking at the bigger picture on how your life revolves around your kids, your work, your home, instead of paying attention to the person you brought into your life to share it with.
End of Rant
Wednesday, 22 January 2014
Wall of Tiger Stripes
Imagine being in a room wearing nothing but sheer panties and a sheet. Your mind reeling that everyone is going to see every roll in your skin and every horrible stretch mark. Then they are going to take pictures...This was my reality this past Saturday night. It was also what opened up the gates to the Wall of Tiger Stripes.
A few weeks ago one of my girlfriends, whom is a professional photographer, mention she wanted to do a girls night and wanted to offer a discount for sexy boudoir photo's. She has a complete studio in her house and 3 of my best friends would be there for support. I decided to take the plunge and go for it. I wanted my husband to have something nice in the large frames he has on the wall on his side of the bed. What better way then to act like I don't care what my body looks like and that I don't look like cottage cheese thrown into a grater and spit out the other end as hamburger right? That was the plan. As far as plans go it was a good one, until it forced me to look at the inner walls.
It is much easier to believe that my body is horrible and should be covered. It is much easier to automatically think the worst and portray that on the outside because then when someone says something it doesn't sting as much. When someone tells you "Yeah you should really look into a tummy tuck or cream for cellulite" it doesn't hurt as much when you beat them to the punch line. Besides, I don't really give a f*ck with you think or what anyone thinks...yeah sure I don't...go hide back behind the wall chickenshit.
So I go to the girls night with my Pepsi in hand (I don't drink) and my hair curler, with my makeup done up and I am thinking "WTF am I doing? This is not a good idea." Thankfully she is already shooting someone else so I get a chance to take some deep breaths, hide behind the wall and act like everything is perfectly fine. Inside I want to vomit. After curling my hair a bit and spraying some insta-cement, I am as close to ready as ready is ever going to get. Shannon comes out of the studio and announces she is ready to go with my photo's. Deep Breath, deep breath..don't pass out..it's fine...your a tough bitch you can take this...
I walk in and Shannon tells me what we are going to do. A simple shoot with me in a sheet, topless. I was with her up until the topless part. She reminds me it is mostly going to be covered. Sensing I am nearly in tears she asks if I want my best friend Kim to come in for moral support. Kim is one of the few people I trust not to crack a comment that could shatter me to a million pieces at once. I say yes and go to get my little lace booty panties on. I cried the whole time I was changing.
I finally emerge holding my hands over my chest and quickly scamper to get under the sheet. Shannon starts taking pictures and her and Kim start saying how nice they are going to look. Shannon mentions how perfect my skin is, and Kim comments on how she doesn't understand what my problem is with my body. That's because the hideous Freddy Krueger stretch marks are hidden with a sheet I say to myself. Peggy enters the room and we all start talking about self body image while Shannon keeps clicking. Enter Tina, our resident crazy lady with blaze pink hair and Tattoo's from here to the end of the earth. I slowly become more comfortable and begin to realise a few key things.
First, what I am worried about showing up in these pictures is exactly what the girls are praising. My stretch marks from a child 19 years earlier are what I am worried will end up looking like a scary racetrack on my body through pictures. The girls are looking at the pictures Shannon has already taken and are squealing that they are beautiful. I roll my eyes and say "Yeah sure they are" with a little nervous giggle thrown in. Kim announces that they should just take them with me and then I would feel okay about them. Enter the girls plans to photo bomb me.
Obviously I become relaxed after this. How could I not? Then I get hit with the wall straight in my face as I start to reflect and live in the moment with my own emotions and feelings.
These are my own hang ups..brick down...nobody else See's what I see...brick down...they are thinking I look great, even if I don't...brick down..Nobody notices the stretch marks because they don't matter...brick down...the person matters..brick down...the feelings on the inside matter..brick down..not the outside...brick down...they are not stretch marks...brick down..the are fuckin' Tiger Stripes baby...brick down...and I have earned Every Single One...brick down....
I finished my shoot with Shannon and she showed me a few pics off her camera. They look much different if you look at them with an eye for beauty instead of looking for every flaw, hiccup, mark, scratch and zit. They are almost beautiful. I saw almost because I cannot lie here and say that I am there 100%. But I can say that I am starting to see what my husband see's. It isn't the stretch marks and the cellulite on my legs. It's the woman beneath. The woman that radiates behind the wall desperately seeking to get out.
I don't know exactly who she is yet. I have a lot of work to do to figure that all out.
But she has Tiger Stripes baby, and she is done apologising for them!
Tuesday, 7 January 2014
The Mad Hatter Wall
While talking to a co-worker last week, I was told something that I have been thinking about ever since.
"You get mad way too easy"
Hmm. Do I really? Do I jump down everyone's throat the second they open their mouth? To determine if this is true or not, one has to reflect, and think about what is coming out of their mouth, before one actually says it. Not my strong suit. Okay, not one of my suits at all. I don't have a brain to mouth filter so I don't know how I am going to figure this out.
Over the next few days I struggled to keep my mouth shut when talking to people and trying to think about what I am feeling and thinking before I actually say it. For me that is not easy. Perhaps I should explain why I don't have a filter to begin with, but maybe that is a little too complex at the moment and quite honestly, I am not sure that I totally know myself. If I think about it, I think it is because my voice was never heard. I was pushed or cast aside in far too many situations, and therefore I speak my mind before it can happen again. I will have to dig deeper into this later.
So I get mad to easy. Yes it is true, I do. I am almost always the person people come at to fix someone else's mistakes and screw ups. Which translates to people are already pissed off when they come to me with something. So I feel cornered (there is that word again) right off the bat. Can I actually control this impulse to think everyone is after me? Can I remain calm until something warrants me getting mad about it? Jesus, I just don't know. I have been trying to do this the last few days and it is the most frustrating and impossible thing. I literally want to shake myself and say "What the hell is wrong with you?"
Perhaps it is because I am used to biting my tongue in certain situations. Maybe that is making me hateful. Is that why I am defensive all the time?
So going forward, the Mad Hatter Wall is being torn down. Slowly. I am reflecting into myself and stripping apart the feelings before I speak. I hope this makes me a more enjoyable person to be around. Not just for everyone around me, but for myself as well.
As much as everyone probably thinks it is so easy to be me and I am so confident in myself, they would be beside themselves to know that from the inside my skin crawls and because of that on the outside it has spikes.
Cheers to ending the Mad Hatter's run going forward and let's hope I don't fall down the rabbit hole.
"You get mad way too easy"
Hmm. Do I really? Do I jump down everyone's throat the second they open their mouth? To determine if this is true or not, one has to reflect, and think about what is coming out of their mouth, before one actually says it. Not my strong suit. Okay, not one of my suits at all. I don't have a brain to mouth filter so I don't know how I am going to figure this out.
Over the next few days I struggled to keep my mouth shut when talking to people and trying to think about what I am feeling and thinking before I actually say it. For me that is not easy. Perhaps I should explain why I don't have a filter to begin with, but maybe that is a little too complex at the moment and quite honestly, I am not sure that I totally know myself. If I think about it, I think it is because my voice was never heard. I was pushed or cast aside in far too many situations, and therefore I speak my mind before it can happen again. I will have to dig deeper into this later.
So I get mad to easy. Yes it is true, I do. I am almost always the person people come at to fix someone else's mistakes and screw ups. Which translates to people are already pissed off when they come to me with something. So I feel cornered (there is that word again) right off the bat. Can I actually control this impulse to think everyone is after me? Can I remain calm until something warrants me getting mad about it? Jesus, I just don't know. I have been trying to do this the last few days and it is the most frustrating and impossible thing. I literally want to shake myself and say "What the hell is wrong with you?"
Perhaps it is because I am used to biting my tongue in certain situations. Maybe that is making me hateful. Is that why I am defensive all the time?
So going forward, the Mad Hatter Wall is being torn down. Slowly. I am reflecting into myself and stripping apart the feelings before I speak. I hope this makes me a more enjoyable person to be around. Not just for everyone around me, but for myself as well.
As much as everyone probably thinks it is so easy to be me and I am so confident in myself, they would be beside themselves to know that from the inside my skin crawls and because of that on the outside it has spikes.
Cheers to ending the Mad Hatter's run going forward and let's hope I don't fall down the rabbit hole.
Friday, 3 January 2014
Admitting The Walls
I don't like to admit things. If I have done something wrong, yes I will admit it. If I ate the last cookie, yes I will admit it. But admitting to what I have become and how I got here is not going to be easy. I still cannot guarantee that I can actually do it. But I have to start somewhere.
I have walls. There I said it. I have walls all around me, in every direction. Some are very large, and some most people could jump over. Yet, there they are. I wish I could say it is all someone Else's fault. That would be a lie. I created these walls. This is my own doing. This is my own fault. I can admit that now, even if it is only on a blog that most likely nobody on this planet but me will read. Instead of dealing with things in my life, with every single curve, problem, hiccup or blemish, I built a wall. I now internally live in the "City of Scars".
They say that admitting the walls are there is part of the solution. Something tells me that it is a very small part. I now have to sit down and figure out why these walls are there. Where each one came from, how to disassemble it. I have to look in every nook and cranny. In places I never wanted to look again. In places better left to rot away. Am I strong enough for this?
This is my journey through the City Of Scars. Down the rabbit hole. Taking apart walls, one brick a time.
I have walls. There I said it. I have walls all around me, in every direction. Some are very large, and some most people could jump over. Yet, there they are. I wish I could say it is all someone Else's fault. That would be a lie. I created these walls. This is my own doing. This is my own fault. I can admit that now, even if it is only on a blog that most likely nobody on this planet but me will read. Instead of dealing with things in my life, with every single curve, problem, hiccup or blemish, I built a wall. I now internally live in the "City of Scars".
They say that admitting the walls are there is part of the solution. Something tells me that it is a very small part. I now have to sit down and figure out why these walls are there. Where each one came from, how to disassemble it. I have to look in every nook and cranny. In places I never wanted to look again. In places better left to rot away. Am I strong enough for this?
This is my journey through the City Of Scars. Down the rabbit hole. Taking apart walls, one brick a time.
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