Let me start by saying I love my kids. Since most (not all) women out there read the topic of my post and heard that I hate my kids, instead of actually reading the title. My kids are amazing and I love them to pieces. But my kids are not my world.
Let me explain.
Let me set the picture for you. I am sitting at a Christmas concert that my youngest child is in. I happen to sit close to a couple that I know from high school that have 3 small kids. While I sit there quietly, I notice the wife, and the body language of the husband. She is trying to undress their daughter (maybe 3 years old) and get the little boy (maybe 5 years old) situated to watch the concert. Her husband picks up the boy and starts to seat him when she turns around to him.
"Don't bother sitting him down yet, he needs to get his jacket off so he isn't fussing with it the whole time"
The husband stops.
Unzips the child jacket, and proceeds to get him crackers from a bag they have with them. Again the wife turns to him, this time with a scowl on her face.
"You shouldn't have taken his jacket off until I got his sweater. It's cool in here and he won't sit still then. Don't give him the crackers either. He will ask for them later and by then they will be gone."
I watch the husband put the jacket back on the boy, and sit down in the chair beside him. Chaos ensues for the next ten minutes, while the wife is getting the younger child set up with more things around her than an elephant at the circus. She proceeds to fuss with the boy, while telling her husband to do this and that, grab this and that, why didn't you do this and that.
As I am sitting watching this go on, two things come to mind. First, the husband looks like a closed book. He is sitting and not looking at his wife at all, or his kids. He has completely shut down from the situation. Second, if this bitch doesn't shut up soon I can't guarantee I am not going to say something. No wonder the guy shut down.
This is a simple example of how I see women with children shut out their husbands on a constant basis. It's bedtime for the kids, but the wife goes and lies down with them for hours on end because the won't stay in their beds, and it's just easier. Easier for who? When did you kids start running your life? They are changed, fed, clean, warm, read a bedtime story, then time for bed. END OF STORY. In the bed you go, lights out, and stay there. For those parents that have already got into the habit, it's going to take a few nights to break it. A few nights of fighting with them to stay in bed. But you cannot back down. They cannot win. Why? Because the prize they are winning is your marriage. Yeah I said it.
When did it become okay as a society to NOT spend time with your spouse, but then sit and cry and complain to your girlfriends when you find out he is sleeping around? Well shit, did you really expect him to wait until you noticed when he was breathing? He would be waiting twenty years, and by then your kids are moving out, he is all the is left, you have empty nesting syndrome and you don't even know who you are married to anymore. Why? Because while you were busy nurturing your kids, you neglected to nurture WHERE THEY CAME FROM!
Women are great at complaining that their significant other doesn't do certain things around the house, or help with supper etc. And I am by far not saying that every man around isn't a jerk when it comes to treating a woman. But start to be real with yourself. You don't even notice the little things he does do anymore, nor do you appreciate it. Just because he isn't running around calling you drop dead gorgeous every second of the day doesn't mean he isn't showing you in different ways. You have just become blind to it.
Here are my top 5 rules I think every woman (and man for that matter) should start following...
1) Talk to each other with respect
A) Women talk to your husband like a man, instead of like one of the kids
B) Men don't get so defensive right away thinking that what you say is going to get shot down and tossed aside like it doesn't matter.
2) Get an Egg Timer. Yeah an Egg Timer. This is what we used for our kids. If they are small turn it on for 5 minutes and tell them they have to amuse themselves in a proper manner with toys, tv, what have you while you have quiet time with your spouse. The next night move it up to 10 minutes. By the time our daughter was 4 we had a half hour to ourselves and she knew not to interrupt unless it was an emergency.
3) One good 10-15 second kiss a day.
4) Date night. Once per month, no excuses. It gives you something to look forward to and plan for.
5) Open Communication. ***IMPORTANT*** Take the time to have full conversations, not short ones that end up with interruptions ten times. I always asked my husband on a constant basis "What's wrong?" which his response would be the usual "Nothing". I told him once that it was beyond irritating because I couldn't tell if he was mad at something, upset, or really was just a simple "Fine". So we developed the "Promise?" clause.
The "Promise" clause works in such a way that when I ask him what's wrong and he says "Nothing", when I respond with "Promise" he must tell me the truth. If he says "No" then something is wrong, we are just at a place that it cannot be discussed, or he needs time to think and we will discuss it later. That doesn't mean I harass and nag the shit out of him until he tells me what the problem is. It means I need to give him his space to sort out his feelings and what is bothering him, and wait until he comes to me with it. Communication is by far the most important thing you can have in any relationship.
If you don't have that communication, you might as well find a lawyer and start packing your stuff now.
This is the fundamental problem with our society today. And why (I believe) there is such a high divorce rate. Nobody is communicating. Nobody is paying attention to their spouse. Those with college aged children should be living the high life, empty nesting and spending time together. Instead they are getting divorced and going the separate ways because the women no longer have kids to fuss over, and the men are done playing second fiddle. Those with younger children, are fighting each other tooth and nail, finding sites on the internet where they can have an affair, and are basically a mess because they were not given the right tools and never saw what a good relationship looked like to begin with.
After all what is the sense of having a husband, a relationship and putting together a whole life if you were not going to nurture every part of it? A marriage/relationship needs the same amount of time as the little people running around it.
I am not asking you to agree with my position. And I am not saying every woman is like this. I am not saying every man is perfect either. All I ask is that you get involved in the conversation. Challenge me if you need to. Bitch about me if you want to, have at it!
But for all intensive purposes PLEASE think about some things and start looking at the bigger picture on how your life revolves around your kids, your work, your home, instead of paying attention to the person you brought into your life to share it with.
End of Rant
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