The Mad Hatter Wall

While talking to a co-worker last week, I was told something that I have been thinking about ever since.

"You get mad way too easy"

Hmm. Do I really? Do I jump down everyone's throat the second they open their mouth? To determine if this is true or not, one has to reflect, and think about what is coming out of their mouth, before one actually says it.  Not my strong suit. Okay, not one of my suits at all. I don't have a brain to mouth filter so I don't know how I am going to figure this out.

Over the next few days I struggled to keep my mouth shut when talking to people and trying to think about what I am feeling and thinking before I actually say it. For me that is not easy. Perhaps I should explain why I don't have a filter to begin with, but maybe that is a little too complex at the moment and quite honestly, I am not sure that I totally know myself. If I think about it, I think it is because my voice was never heard. I was pushed or cast aside in far too many situations, and therefore I speak my mind before it can happen again. I will have to dig deeper into this later.

So I get mad to easy. Yes it is true, I do. I am almost always the person people come at to fix someone else's mistakes and screw ups. Which translates to people are already pissed off when they come to me with something. So I feel cornered (there is that word again) right off the bat. Can I actually control this impulse to think everyone is after me? Can I remain calm until something warrants me getting mad about it? Jesus, I just don't know. I have been trying to do this the last few days and it is the most frustrating and impossible thing. I literally want to shake myself and say "What the hell is wrong with you?"

Perhaps it is because I am used to biting my tongue in certain situations. Maybe that is making me hateful. Is that why I am defensive all the time?

So going forward, the Mad Hatter Wall is being torn down. Slowly. I am reflecting into myself and stripping apart the feelings before I speak. I hope this makes me a more enjoyable person to be around. Not just for everyone around me, but for myself as well.

As much as everyone probably thinks it is so easy to be me and I am so confident in myself, they would be beside themselves to know that from the inside my skin crawls and because of that on the outside it has spikes.

Cheers to ending the Mad Hatter's run going forward and let's hope I don't fall down the rabbit hole.